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SERIES THREE Series Three Letters to “My little smile”
To “My little smile”, one of the first children admitted to the Sri Aurobindo Ashram; she came at the age of fourteen. Little smile worked for many years embroi- dering clothes for the Mother and later became one of her personal attendants. She began writing to the Mother at the age of seventeen.
My dear little smile, You must not lose patience or courage; everything will turn out all right. The condition you were in while embroidering the “Silence” flower,¹ cannot return as it was before, for in this world things never repeat themselves in exactly the same way everything changes and progresses. But the state of mental peace you have known is nothing compared to the one much deeper and completer – which you will come to know. You must keep your aspiration intact and your will to conquer all obstacles; you must have an unshakable faith in the divine grace and the sure victory. Sri Aurobindo is working for your transformation how can there be doubt that he will triumph! With all my love. I simply meant to say that you were happy and confident as a child or an animal is confident and happy without knowing why. Now you must learn to be happy and confident while knowing why and understanding the deeper cause of your happiness and confidence. ¹Silence: the name given by the Mother to the Wild Passion-flower (passiflora incarnata) 1931 *
Page – 59 My little smile, For your smile to become truly “eternal”, you must learn to speak to me as freely when you are near me as when you are in your room. Also it would be better not to get angry, and if it happens, it is better to forget your anger quickly; and if that isn't possible, then you must tell me very simply what has happened so that I may remove the anger from the consciousness of my “little smile” and give her back the joy and peace I want her always to have. With my most affectionate blessings. 1931 * I have seen the sari embroidered by my little smile and I find it very pretty, completely successful. You should not listen to the criticism of people without taste or sufficient education. Lovingly. 1931 * Dear Mother, I am sending you this rupee. Now I no longer need any pocket money.
I accept the rupee and send to my dear little child, along with my blessings, my congratulations for the manner in which she has passed her French test. Affectionately. 10 May 1932 * My little smile, I am very glad that you have written; I am sure that you are feeling much better now. Page – 60 Do not attach too much importance to all these things; they are the imaginations of a child who knows nothing of life, of its misery and ugliness. For life is not as it is portrayed in novels; day-to-day existence is full of sufferings great and small, and it is only by identification with the Divine Consciousness that one can attain and preserve the true unchanging happiness. Keep your confidence and your faith, my little smile, and everything will be all right. With all my love. 1 August 1932 * Dear Mother, This subject was given for composition in our French class Develop this thought: Consecration to the Divine is the secret of existence; a perpetual renewal of force comes from communion with the Infinite.
My dear little smile, It is very simple, as you will see. 1) The Infinite is the inexhaustible storehouse of forces. The individual is a battery, a storage cell which runs down after use. Consecration is the wire that connects the individual battery to the infinite reserve of forces. Or 2) The Infinite is the river that flows without cease; the individual is the little pond that dries up slowly in the sun. Consecration is the canal that connects the river to the pond and prevents the pond from drying up. With these two images, I think you will understand. Tender love. 28 August 1932 * Page – 61 Mother, Many times I have found that if I don't imagine stories, as they are called, I feel a sort of dullness; then I can't work, and even if I do I can't work fast. Today I spent the whole day in this state of dullness because I no longer imagine things as before. Mother, I would like to know if everything I say about my dullness is true if it is due to an absence of imagination.
The dullness comes from “tamas”; imaginative activity was shaking off the tamas and thus ridding you of the dullness. But this is not the only way to get rid of it. Opening to the Light and Consciousness from above and allowing them to replace the tamas in the external consciousness, is a much better and surer way.
22 November 1932 * Dear Mother, I don't want tamas. Today I worked all day. But my mind does not have tamas; it is always ac- tive and runs here and there like a madman.
The mind always runs about like a madman. The first step is to detach one's consciousness from it and let it run by itself without running with it. Then it finds this less enjoyable and after some time it becomes quieter. 23 November 1932 * Dear Mother, I have noticed that in X's presence I dare not do certain things, such as talk in a loud voice or other impolite things of this kind. Page – 62 It is good to observe yourself in order to see your weaknesses and be able to correct them. 26 November 1932 * Dear Mother, You know that the doctor asked me to look after Y. At the Ashram, I heard Z asking him something about Y and I also heard the doctor talking to him. Afterwards I asked the doctor, “Why do you speak to Z about Y?” He said, “Z was asking me what happened to Y. He no longer sees her at Pranam.” Then I replied, “But he has nothing to do with her and it is not good to talk about these things to people because they cannot do anything for her.” “Yes,” the doctor said, “I understand that he asked me about that just out of curiosity and I will say nothing to him.”
My little smile, Your reply to the doctor was very good and you are perfectly right. One should never talk about others is always useless and least of all about their difficulties; it is uncharitable because it does not help them to overcome the difficulties. As for doctors, the rule is that they should not talk about their patients, and the doctor ought to know better. I hope you are not frightened by what happened to Y. Remain very calm, very quiet, and everything will be all right. 28 November 1932 * Mother, While you were playing the organ, I had the feeling that the others were listening to the Mother playing the organ for me, and it made me feel proud. I understood, even at that moment, that it was a wrong feeling and I Page – 63 didn't want it; but I don't know how to get rid of it. Mother, I believe that if I stay all by myself, apart from everyone else, I will be very happy. I am very bad; I don't know when all these bad things will leave me. Take pity on me.
You must not exaggerate. Certainly there are movements of vanity rather childish besides but they are not the only ones. I am quite sure that while you were listening to the music, you could also feel the pure and simple joy of the music for its own sake, and that when you are near me, you also feel the simple and sincere joy of a child near to its mother. The nature is complex, and always the true and the false, the good and the bad are mixed together. It is very useful to see one's faults and weaknesses clearly, but one should not see only them, for that too would be one-sided. One should also be aware of what is good and true in the nature and give it all one's attention, so that this good and true side can grow and ultimately absorb the rest and transform the nature. 5 December 1932 * Mother, When I saw You this morning at Pranam, it seemed to me that You were very serious. I write to You whatever I think I ought to tell You, because I have promised to write about my thoughts and feelings and I don't want to deceive You. I have nothing good to tell You. I have a hoard of bad, ugly, foolish and naughty things to tell You. If there is something good, it {65is only that I work for You (Your sari): this is the only thing I can call good. Today I was sad all day, I could not smile. You will receive many such things to read. But if You become serious, as You were this morning, I would rather put Page – 64 an end to the matter. Today I worked for seven hours.
No, my child, I was not “serious” and I smiled at you as usual; it was you who had such a sad little face and it is probably your own sadness that you saw reflected in my eyes. I know life too well for your confessions to make me “serious”. Besides, your confessions are not so terrible as all that, no matter what you may think of them. And as soon as you tell me all the things that are troubling you, you will see that they have disappeared and you will feel free and happy. Keep your smile, little child; it is this that gives you your strength. 7 December 1932 * Mother, I don't know why, but for two or three days I have been feeling a bit sad. Mother, sometimes when I am depressed, when I feel that maybe I won't be able to do yoga, my mind imagines: “Mother tells me that I cannot do yoga and asks me to go away from here, I have no one to go to and nowhere to stay; I will remain here even as a servant, but it is impossible for me to live elsewhere.” Thinking of all this makes me feel even sadder than before. My Mother, today it seems to me that my mind is not calm enough to write anything to You. Today I worked for nine hours on the sari.
My dear little child, You must not accept depression, never, and still less these suggestions, so stupid and false, that I could ask you to go away! How can you dream of such a thing? You are at home here –are 9 December 1932 * Page – 65 you not my little daughter? and you will always have a place by my side, in my love and protection. Mother, I had an imaginary conversation in my head with X. I was not paying attention, but at one moment it came to me that I would have to write all this to Mother and suddenly the conversation stopped. That is how I talk to people in my head; my mind puts the thoughts it likes, as it likes, into someone's mouth and this makes a noise in my head. I am very tired of writing such bad and stupid things. I don't know when this distracted mind will be- come quiet.
It is not so terrible the mind likes to be busy with something always, and making up stories even when one knows that these stories are not true is one of the most innocent pursuits of this restless mind. Of course, it must become calm and quiet some day in order to receive the light from above; but in the meantime, you may surely tell me all these stories. I find them more amusing than silly and they interest me. So don't say: I won't tell Mother this or that, but rather say: I shall tell her everything quite frankly. 11 December 1932 * Dear Mother, I am never satisfied, even though You have given me a very rare chance. My vital being always wants more and more; it is never satisfied with what You give it.
My child, I am going to reveal something that you will try to Page – 66 understand: you are dissatisfied not because I fail to give you all that you need, but because I give you more, far more than you are able to receive. Open yourself, increase your receptivity by giving yourself more, and you will see that all discontentment will disappear. 12 December 1932 * Dear Mother, Nowhere do I find any progress. Even in my work I am still not regular, so how can I hope for Your help?
I don't understand what you mean. My help is always with you, as complete as it can be; it is up to you to open yourself and receive it. And it is certainly not by being rebellious and discontented that you will be able to do so.
So many times I have resolved to work regularly and so many times I have failed! So I thought that if I told You, I would have Your help and become regular in my work, but in vain. How then can I continue my practice of writing to You in this state of depression and discontent? But I don't blame You for this; it is me I don't have a strong will, so how can I get rid of it?
You don't need to have a strong will you have only to use mine. Be careful, child, do not open the door to depression, discouragement and revolt this leads far, far away from consciousness and makes you sink into the depths of obscurity where happiness can no longer enter. Your great strength was your smile; because you knew how to smile at life, you also knew how to work with courage and steadiness, and in this you were exceptional. But you have followed the example of other people, you have learned from them to be discontented, rebel- Page – 67 lious, depressed, and now you have let your smile slip away, and with it your faith and confidence in me; in this condition, if all the divine forces were to concentrate on you, it would be in vain you would refuse to receive them. There is only one remedy, and you must lose no time in accepting it: recover your smile, regain your faith, become once more the confident child you were, do not brood over your faults and difficulties – it is your smile that will chase them away. 16 December 1932 * Dear Mother, I have often noticed that when I wake up from sleep, there is a kind of noise in my head, as if many people were talking at once and I can understand nothing of what they say. And I feel as if this noise has been going on all night. It is like a bazaar, there is a lot of noise because people are all talking at once and one can understand nothing of it.
In your sleep you are becoming conscious of the noises that the mechanical thoughts of the most material mind make in their own domain. 18 December 1932 * Dear Mother, And as for X, now I think, “Why didn't I refuse him?” But what is the advantage of thinking afterwards!
There is an advantage in looking back after some time at what one has done; for at a distance, removed from the action, one sees more clearly and better understands what ought or ought not to have been done. 20 December 1932 * Page – 68 Dear Mother, If You want these imaginations to remain in me, let them remain, but if You don't want that, root them out.
Once again, do not worry; what should disappear will disappear; only what is good will remain. 25 December 1932 * Dear Mother, I think this is the last thing I shall write to You. I should like to stop writing now, as I am feeling very tired. I know that You will not like it, but I have to say that it is better to put me aside. I am quite hopeless. Again for the last few days I have become irregular in my work. You once said that to open myself to You is my work, because Your help is always with me. But I do not know when I will open myself to You. I am as hard as a stone. If I had known before that these things are so difficult, I should never have wished to come here. Mother, I wish You would not tell me that I am rebelling, I do not like to hear that. I do not know, Mother, why I have written all these things. Mother, please do not be angry with me, I have nobody except You.
Why this discouragement? Each one has his difficulties, yours are no more insurmountable than those of others. You have only to remain confident and cheerful.
27 December 1932 * Dear Mother, “What should disappear will disappear; only what is good will remain.” Page – 69 You wrote this one day in my notebook. But all the things I have written about to You up to now have not disappeared. Perhaps they are all good! And perhaps this revolt, discontent, discouragement and bad temper are good too. Because they have remained in me, they have not disappeared. And the smile and working regularly and having confidence all of these are bad perhaps. Because I see that they have disappeared, at least for the present. And if there is nothing bad in me, why are we taking so much trouble? It would be better to remain quiet because “what should disappear will disappear; only what is good will remain. “ Mother, I know that You will not like all these things I have written, but what can I do? I have to write all this to You.
I am not angry because what you write here means nothing I pity you, that's all. Did I tell you that it would disappear immediately, instantaneously, especially if you yourself are more inclined to keep it than to reject it? 28 December 1932 * Dear Mother, This morning after nine o 'clock X came to my room. He advised me to reject hostile suggestions and so on. He gave me a lecture. He did not say so but I think You asked him to come to my room. But I must tell You that I don't like people to come and lecture me. Can't You tell me directly what is necessary? Am I not here with You? Am I so far away? Then why should I have to listen to the advice of others?
It is your self-esteem and vanity that are in an exasperated state Page – 70 and prevent you from seeing affection where it is present. I don't know whether You tell Y about what I write to You, but I would rather You didn't.
Only Sri Aurobindo knows what you write to me.
You wrote to me once in this notebook (December 16th), with regard to Your help: “It is up to you to open yourself and receive it. And it is certainly not by being rebellious and discontented that you will be able to do so.” And again You wrote to me (December 7th) in this notebook: “And as soon as you tell me all the things that are troubling you, you will see that they have disappeared and you will feel free and happy.” So I tell You that even this revolt and this bad temper are troubling me.
Of all things these are the worst.
I think I have told You all the things that are troubling me.
It is not enough to tell them, you must want them to disappear.
Mother, today I am sad. I don't know why but I even wept.
And yet it is quite natural; how can you not be sad when you turn your back on your soul, and that simply out of pride!
Mother, rid me of this discouragement and this revolt, please. Will You not save me from them? Page – 71 With all my will I want to save you, but you must allow me to do so. To revolt is to reject the Divine Love and only the Divine Love has the power to save.
28 December 1932 * Dear Mother, Am I not Your child? Yes, I know that I am a naughty child, but what can I do? Naughty or not, in any case I am Yours.
I don't think you are naughty and I know you are my child. 29 December 1932 * Dear Mother, It seems to me that my mind (or rather myself) doesn't want to become quiet. Because if I wanted to become quiet, I would naturally have tried to make myself quiet, wouldn't I?
In the psychological domain, only the patients who do not want to recover, do not recover. Perhaps it is the same for physical diseases?
5 January 1933 * Dear Mother, What is all this about psychological and physical diseases? I understand nothing of it.
Psychological diseases are diseases of the thoughts and feelings, such as depression, revolt, sadness, etc. Physical diseases are those of the body. 6 January 1933 * Page – 72 Dear Mother, Yes, I know that You know that now I can hide nothing from You and that it is impossible for me to live without You, and this is why, Mother, You like to see me suffer as much as possible isn't it so?
I understand absolutely nothing of what you mean to say. You seem to be saying that I like to see you suffer; but this is so absurd that I cannot believe it is what you mean. When with all my will I am working for the disappearance of suffering from the world, how could I want, much less like, one of my children to suffer! It would be monstrous. 7 January 1933 * Dear Mother, For the past two days I have felt a great despair and sadness so much that I think if it goes on for a few days more, it may be very difficult for me to get rid of these things. I don't know what is going to happen, but I can't help thinking that if I remain in this condition all the time and if I can't ever be happy, it will soon be impossible for me to live. During these two days, in this sadness and despair, I had the idea of committing suicide. (Don't be afraid, I won't commit suicide; I am only telling You about my condition in order to let You know about it.)
There are thieves in the subtle world just as in the outer world. But you must close to them the doors of your thoughts and feelings as carefully as a prudent man bolts the doors of his house.
These suggestions of sadness, despair and suicide come from them (the thieves of the vital world), because it is when you are depressed that they are best able to rob you. You must not listen Page – 73 to them you must reject the wicked suggestions and become yourself once again, that is to say, my “little smile”. 9 January 1933 * Dear Mother, You no longer call me “my child”? Am I so bad and unworthy? Mother, I believe that I am doing all I can and if I still cannot be good, what is to be done? Yes, I know I am not what I was before.
I did not mean anything by not writing “my child” on the little note I sent you this afternoon. I was in a big hurry and I wrote as few words as possible. Of course I miss the time when you were truly the eternal little smile, spontaneously and effortlessly, when you felt satisfied with your work, happy to be near me, and trusting and simple enough not to put a false interpretation on all I do. Who has poured this poison of doubt and dissatisfaction into your heart? Who has taken away at once your happiness, your simple joy of life and your beautiful smile which was a pleasure to see? I don't ask the question in order to get an answer from you, for I think that I know it; it is only so you may understand that I don't hold you responsible for this change which has come over you from outside. Now there is only one way open, the way of progress since it is impossible to go backward, you must go forward and what was merely instinctive must now become conscious and willed. And never doubt my affection, which is always with you to help you make this indispensable progress. 11 January 1933 * Dear Mother, You told me to write something to You every day. Page – 74 But now I find nothing to say and I don't know what to write. As for what I have written: since You told me that in order to become happy and good, I must want it with all my will and to work as before, I have started to do that. But when I have nothing to write to You, what can I write (in order, as You said, to keep the contact with You)? Mother, You will tell me.
My little smile, When you have nothing else to tell me, tell me at what time you got up(like this, for example: this morning I woke up at such and such a time after having slept for so many hours; I got up, washed and dressed, then I ate my breakfast and started working at such and such a time, etc. etc.). You can tell me all the people you met and whom you spoke to, what you told them, etc. It will be a very good exercise in French and at the same time will create a further intimacy between us.
13 January 1933 *
Dear Mother, This morning I woke up at 5:45. I washed and dressed, then went to collect my notebook from X's window (I always go there). Then at about 6:30 I drank my phoscao, then started work at 6:45. At 7:30 I went for Pranam, then at 7:45 I started work again. At 9:30 I went to Y's house to get some work for Z, then sat down again to work until 11:30. Then I ate my lunch and rested for ten minutes. At 12:00 I went back to work; at 12:30 Z came to work and at about 2:00 she made some lime juice for us. I worked from 12:00 to 8:00. I have finished embroidering the crown. Page – 75 Well, it is a success! It is a good account with hardly any mistakes, and I am glad to know exactly how you spent your day. It will be good to continue like this.
14 January 1933 * Mother, I always write to You about the same things: sleep, work and talk. Mother, do You like reading the same thing every day?
Why not, my little smile? You can learn to say the same things in different ways; this is an excellent exercise to learn how to write and mould your style. It seems that at the moment you are practising calligraphy! Who has taught you to write so beautifully? Your affectionate Mother. 25 January 1933 * My dear Mother, I have noticed that X has not stopped his bad habit. I hate him
That is quite a big word! It is said that hate is the reverse of love; at any rate it is a dangerous sentiment which leaves you always at the mercy of the one you hate: to hate means that you are still attached; the true attitude is one of complete indifference. 27 January 1933 * My dear Mother, Today I prayed to You with my body¹ for ten hours. Next time I see You, I shall explain how embroi- derers fix the sari on the frame. The frame has to be
¹To pray with the body: to do one's work as an offering to the Divine. The Mother has written: “To work for the Divine is to pray with the body.” Page – 76 as big as the sari. Mother, couldn't I have a big frame like that, to embroider the saris really nicely?
If I give you such a big frame, we shall have to build a room to fit the frame in! 13 February 1933 * My dear Mother, I worked on the sari for ten hours. I think I shall finish this sari before 24th April. Mother, I have nothing new to tell You.
You are a beautiful and skilful worker, my little smile, and I am proud of you and your work, which is so lovely. I see that you have written without making a single mistake! 14 February 1933 * Dear Mother, Today I prayed to You with my body for nine hours. Now I have become regular again in all my work as before. Mother, what else?
This is good, my little smile; balance of the being is based upon regular work. 27 February 1933 * Did you notice the date today – 3.3.33? Do you know that this happens only once in eleven years? Eleven years ago, in 1922, in the month of February, it was possible to write 2.2.22 and eleven years from now, in the Page – 77 month of April, it will be possible to write 4.4.44, and so on. It is interesting, isn't it? 3 March 1933 * My dear Mother, “Supramental beauty in the physical”¹ what does it mean? All these things all the arts, the beautiful work we do for the Divine are they expressions of supramental beauty in the physical?
No, all that is only the manifestation of a universal harmony which lies, as it were, at the very heart of creation. But the supramental beauty is something much higher and more perfect; it is a beauty untainted by any ugliness and it does not need the proximity of ugliness in order to look beautiful. When the supramental forces descend into Matter in order to manifest, this perfect beauty will express itself quite naturally and spontaneously in all forms.
6 March 1933 * I am very happy when I wear your saris, but I also wish to keep them as carefully as one keeps works of art, and that is why I do not wear them very often.
9 March 1933 * My dear Mother, This morning You gave me a flower which signifies “Consciousness turned towards the supramental Light”. ² What does this mean? I don't understand.
¹The Mother's name for a light golden-orange Hibiscus. ²The Mother's name for a yellow-orange Sunflower (Helianthus). Page – 78 If you put “Divine” instead of “supramental”, does that make it clearer to you? It means the consciousness that is not filled with the activities and influences of ordinary life, but is concentrated in an aspiration towards the divine light, force, knowledge, joy. Now do you understand? 23 March 1933 * My dear Mother, Have You seen my little roses on Your gown? Are they nice?
They are absolutely charming! It is impossible to say which is the original and which the copy, and it may very well be that the copy is even more beautiful than the original. You saw that I was wearing the gown this evening when I went for a walk on the terrace. 6 April 1933 * My dear Mother, Today I prayed to You with my body for nine hours. Mother, for the past two days I have been feeling a little tired, my hands have become a bit slow.
Don't you think it would be a good idea for you to take a little rest? That is, either take a full day's rest or else work two hours less each day. 13 April 1933 * My dear Mother, No, I don't want to take a rest. Today I prayed to You with my body for ten hours. Page – 79 Then use Coué's method¹ and repeat, “I am not tired, I cannot be tired because I am protected!” 14 April 1933 * My dear Mother, Yes, X told me today that the frame would be com- pletely ready this evening. Today I worked nine hours on the blouse.
Little smile, you must not go on working to the point of fatigue. 10 June 1933 * My dear Mother, Not only do I work all day, but I want to work as much as I can, hoping that I won't get tired. If I don't work all day every day, how can I make so many big and beautiful things such as I want to make for my dear, dear Mother? How will my dreams be fulfilled if I waste my time? Mother, do You know, I am going to embroider large curtains for Your room? You told me once that the Japanese cover the walls of their rooms with em- broidered curtains.
You are right; nothing is better than to realise our most beautiful dreams and nothing makes us stronger and happier! 11 June 1933 * My dear Mother, Mother, do You know, it is I who ironed these two ¹Emile Coué (1857-1926), French doctor of Nancy who developed a system of cure by auto-suggestion (Couéism). Page – 80 blouses without spoiling them? This is the first time I have ironed a blouse. Mother, give me a “bravo” for this. Tomorrow I am going to start on the other grey blouse.
This is worth far more than a “bravo”! This morning I was literally filled with admiration. It is magnificent the birds are so beautiful and so very alive; I found their little heads with the lovely little silver crests very beautiful, far more beautiful than in the original drawing. The little diamonds are also very fine, and in silver on the sari they will be magnificent. Where did you do the ironing? It is good that you are learning. 21 June 1933 * My dear Mother, This morning I cut a chemise for You\ is the first time I ever cut a chemise. X is going to stitch it and when it is ready, You will wear it and then tell me if it is well cut or not. Because if it is well cut, I can cut other things without any hesitation. Today also I worked all day.
I am very pleased that you have learned to do this too. What do you mean by “all day”? I hope it is not more than nine hours, because that was already a long stretch and ought not to be increased. 26 June 1933 * Mother, Since this morning I have some pain in the pupil of my left eye.
You must wash your eye with very warm boric water thrice a day Page – 81 and do less embroidery for two or three days. Do just as I tell you and remember that your work depends almost entirely on your eyes. If your eyes were to get spoiled in any way, it would be the end of your beautiful embroideries! When you have pain, close your eyes for a few minutes and cover them with the palms of your hands (without pressing). You will find this very restful. 27 June 1933 * My dear Mother, I think all the trouble I took for X was in vain. I spent nearly two hours this evening making her understand how to write things very clearly. But in vain.
The trouble one takes like this for someone is never in vain. The result may not appear immediately, but one day or another a disinterested action bears its fruit.
26 July 1933 * My dear Mother, I shall tell You how I usually spend my evenings. After seeing You go up to the terrace, I go and have my meal. Then I return home and write my letter to You, and then sometimes I wash our clothes (X's and mine; sometimes X washes them). Then I walk for an hour, then I usually prepare my lesson and go to bed. But last night after my walk at 9:30, I helped X to sew with the sewing machine until 10:15. Then I worked with the sewing machine until 11:45; then I did a bit of lesson and at 12:30 I went to bed. Today I worked on the blouse for three hours.
You must not get into the habit of going to bed late like that. It is not good – you will quickly spoil your eyesight, and that would Page – 82 be the end of your beautiful embroideries. The nerves also get tired and then one no longer has the sure hand or the precise movement, one loses one's patience and calm and the work one does is no longer neat and trim; everything becomes an approximation and one has to give up all hope of achieving any kind of perfection. I don't think this is the result you want to obtain! 31 July 1933 * My dear Mother, Today, August 15th, I didn't work; I will start from tomorrow.
I think you must have been proud today to see your superb sari – is truly regal; and as for me, I was proud of my little smile and her beautiful work!
15 August 1933 * My dear Mother, I have started fixing the sari on the embroidery frame and tomorrow this work will be finished. Afterwards I shall start the embroidery. I have nothing else to write to You. The only news I have to give You is about my work.
You are very hardworking and painstaking, and if you have nothing to tell me except news of your work, I have to tell you of all my affection for my dear little smile.
22 August 1933 My dear Mother, * Today also I was busy fixing the sari on the frame, but I saw that the sari was not quite straight. So now I Page – 83 have only to undo this work which took me three days so as to do it better.
It is rather tiresome for you, my dear little smile! But it is an exact image of life, where one must constantly undo what has been done in order to redo it better.
24 August 1933 * My dear Mother, I do not feel that I am working; I just play like a child all day with the marvellous playthings my Mother has given me to play with all day. I don't know how to write in any other way and that is why I write to You “I worked” instead of “I played”. Mother, I think the sari You wore today is my finest embroidery, don't You think so?
It is a work of art. It is simply splendid. I feel as if I were dressed in light. 1 September 1933 * My dear Mother, I am working on the grey sari. What else? What can I write to You?
Just a word is enough to keep the contact, and when you have something interesting to tell me, you must do so. 16 October 1933 * My dear Mother, You have a lot of work; I don't want to take up Your time Page – 84 As you like, my little smile; I am very busy, it is true, but I could have managed to give you a few minutes. It is nice of you to think of not increasing my work unnecessarily; there are not many like you. 13 November 1933 * Mother, Today I worked very little
You did quite the right thing! A great promise came from above for you yesterday-¹ the promise that you will be delivered from all your difficulties and that your mind will become luminously peaceful and your heart quietly content. Did you feel anything? 25 November 1933 * My dear Mother, After the Darshan I was quiet and happy. At the Ashram I saw X and Y and we talked together happily. “How are you?” Y asked me. I had nothing to say, so I asked, “And how are you?” She told me, “This time I spent a lot of time; Sri Aurobindo put his hand on me for a long time” and so on. Then X also said, “This time I also spent a little more time, two or three minutes.” Then it was lunchtime, so we went to take our plates. I was first and I took my seat with a place on either side of me. I thought X would sit on one side and Y on the other. But then Z came and sat down beside me. I told her to sit somewhere else and she got angry with me. At that moment X and Y came and, seeing that Z was angry with me, they did not sit with me. I was very hurt because they did not sit with me.
¹November 24th, a Darshan day. On the three (later four) Darshan days each year, the sadhaks went before Sri Aurobindo and the Mother to receive their blessings. Page – 85 Do not torment yourself, my little smile; all this has come to teach you that on these occasions, after having had the joy of receiving Sri Aurobindo's blessing, it is better to remain concentrated and to keep one's joy locked inside oneself rather than to throw it out by mixing and talking with others. The experiences we talk about evaporate and we lose the benefit they could have brought us. 26 November 1933 * Poor little X has become very sad Are you so serious with her? 27 November 1933 * Mother, I am not angry with X. I always try to keep silent; so I speak only about important things, with her as well as with others; that is to say, if she asks me something I answer her and I show her the work to be done. Mother, I want Your presence and I try to keep it at all times. I aspire towards You. I want You always, all day and all night. I want to live always in Your heart, where I can live constantly with X and with all who love You. I have noticed that when I am concentrated, or rather when I try to concentrate, I cannot smile at anyone and if I try to smile I feel as if I were smiling superficially. Mother, this morning I wanted to tell all this to X, but my lips refused; they didn't want to smile. Mother, is it good or bad not to be able to speak like that? I want to know, because if it is not good I don't want it; I will go on speaking as before.
It is very good to remain silent and concentrated in your Page – 86 aspiration; and I am sure that if you keep a deep affection for X in your heart, she will feel it and will no longer be sad. But, of course, if you feel you can explain to her kindly what is happening in you, it will be very good. 28 November 1933 * Mother, You keep promising me beautiful things and I keep resisting them. How then can I ever be happy?
You must not worry – it does not help towards the realisation of the promises; and also you must be patient. In this physical world, things take time to get realised.
12 December 1933 * Mother, Once Sri Aurobindo wrote me something with some words that I couldn't read. I asked X to read them; then he said, “You are the Mother's child, not Sri Aurobindo's.” (It was just a joke, because I can read Your handwriting but not Sri Aurobindo's.)
Don't you believe that when one is a child of the Mother, one is at the same time a child of Sri Aurobindo, and vice-versa? 16 December 1933 * My dear Mother, Yesterday and today I worked all day on the “iris” sari. I love to work for You. Mother, I don't know what to write. I have nothing to say.
That is enough; all I ask is that we exchange a little “bonjour”¹
¹“Good day”, the customary French greeting. Page – 87
every day. When you have something special or important or interesting to write to me, you will write. Tender love. 18 December 1933 * My dear Mother, Today also I worked all day on the “iris” sari; I won't tell You how many hours I work because if I write “I worked for ten hours”, You write to me, “It is amazing”!
You are a courageous and energetic child. Tender love. 19 December 1933 * My dear Mother, The “iris” flowers are very beautiful. Mother, what do they signify?
“Aristocracy of beauty”. It is a noble flower which stands upright on its stalk. Its form has been stylised in the fleur-de-lis, emblem of the kings of France.
23 December 1933 * Mother, Today also I worked all day on the blouse.
All my affection for my hardworking little smile. 29 December 1933 * Mother, What can I write? Today I worked on the sari. Page – 88 What can I say? that I am always with you in your work and your rest, your sleep and your waking. Affectionately. 3 January 1934 * My dear Mother, Yesterday while ironing the blouse I scorched it in a few places.
I didn't notice it, so it can't be anything much. That is probably why you looked so grave at Pranam this morning. You should not torment yourself over such little things. Tender love. 11 January 1934 * I shall always be with you, my dear little child, in the struggle and in the victory. 13 January 1934 * Mother, Today I worked on the sari for nine hours.
Then the work must be proceeding very fast. You have a marvellous capacity for work, my dear little child. 18 January 1934 *
My dear little child, why were you weeping so much this morning at Pranam? I was so sorry I could not comfort you. Won't you tell me about your sorrow so that I may remove it if possible? You know that all my love is always with you as well as my best will to help you out of your difficulties. 24 January 1934 * Page – 89 Mother, Today also I worked all day on the sari. Sometimes I become a naughty child, don't I, Mother?
Not naughty, poor little one, only a little sad, and that distresses me, for I would like to see you always full of light and joy. 26 January 1934 * Mother, I know that there are beautiful things in my little heart. There are bad things too, as You know, Mother – I have told You about them. But this little heart is full of love. Mother, we are going to burn all the bad things in this little heart. Then in my heart there will only be a very, very sweet love for You alone.
What you have written here is very beautiful and it is also very true. The beautiful things are far stronger than the ugly ones and they will surely win the victory. I am with you always, in the struggle and in the victory. 29 January 1934 * Mother, This morning X showed me the pink blouse she has embroidered with silver thread. This blouse is very, very beautiful. The sari too will be the most beautiful one in Your collection of saris embroidered by us. Before seeing X's blouse I used to think that my bird-of-paradise¹ sari was very beautiful; but now that I have seen this blouse, I find that the bird-of-paradise sari is nothing compared to the one X is preparing.
¹The Mother's name for the Tiger-claw plant, Heliconia metallica. Page – 90 That is not true; each has its own particular beauty and style. The bird-of-paradise is a very beautiful sari.
Her blouse is truly the most beautiful one.
I cannot say whether it is the most beautiful or not. Each of the embroidered saris has its own beauty; but it is true that this blouse is very beautiful.
30 January 1934 * Mother, I once told You that if someone made something beautiful for You we ought to be happy, no matter who made it, myself or someone else; I mean that upon seeing a very beautiful thing someone has made for You, one ought to be very happy, and all those who love my sweet Mother will naturally be happy. Do You know that when I saw X's blouse, I felt as if another person had made something more beautiful than I had. Mother, I know why I felt like that. Up to now I have had in me a kind of pride in my work: “I make finer things than anyone else here”, something like that. And that is why when I saw something very beautiful made by someone else, my pride received a good hard blow. Isn't that true? (Mother, here I recall a sentence I once heard Y telling someone: “Mother knows how to give blows.”)
I assure you that I do not deliberately give blows.
Mother, why are these silly things in me? I don't want them. They have been in me long enough. Now I don't want them. I shall not rest until You come into my heart Page – 91 and live there eternally. My Mother, give me purity and constancy in my aspiration.
Certain conditions in us (and pride is one of them) automatically invite blows from the surrounding circumstances. And it is up to us to utilise these blows to make further progress. You are right in wanting all this pettiness and stupidity to disappear. I am fully with you in this determination and I am sure that you will triumph. 31 January 1934 * Mother, Today I have nothing to write. As usual I worked all day.
I hope that this new month will bring you the realisation you desire: a happy calm, an invariable peace, a luminous silence. Such is my wish and my blessing. 1 February 1934 * Mother, I shall capture You in my heart. I don't need to think of peace and happiness. When You dwell in our hearts, these things are sure to be there.
You will not have to go far to seize me, for I am already in your heart and as soon as your eyes are opened you will see me there; turn your faculty of feeling inward instead of letting it project {94outward, and you will feel my presence as concretely (even more so) as you feel the cold and the heat. 2 February 1934 * Page – 92 My beloved Mother, You are already in my heart, it is true. But I don't know how to open my eyes; they are always open except when I sleep.
I am speaking of your inner eyes, not the physical ones.
“Turn your faculty of feeling inward instead of letting it project outward.” Mother, when I feel something I feel it in my heart (and I think everyone feels in his heart). I don't know how to feel outward. I don't understand what You mean by “outward”.
I mean that instead of living in the perceptions of the sense-organs, which are exclusively occupied with outward things, you should concentrate in the inner being, which has a life independent of the senses (sight, hearing, smell, taste, touch). 3 February 1934 * Mother, Why didn't You return the letter to me (the one You wrote to me) after I sent it to You this morning with my letter? I want to lie on Your lap, Mother.
Poor little one, I very gladly take you on my lap and cradle you to my heart to soothe this heavy sorrow which has no cause and to quell this great revolt which has no reason. Let me take you in my arms, bathe you in my love and wipe away even the memory of this unfortunate incident. I kept the letter to show it to Sri Aurobindo along with your letter of this morning. I am returning it to you in this notebook. 27 February 1934 * Page – 93 No, my dear child, I am sure I didn't tell you that you wanted to hide something from me. When you started crying under the pressure I was putting on you in meditation to calm the restlessness of your mind and vital, I thought that it might relieve you to tell me the cause of your sorrow, and when you didn't reply, I simply asked whether you wanted to speak, so as not to insist unnecessarily. You were mistaken if you thought I was showing displeasure. Unfortunately, for some time now you have closed up inside yourself, and that is why I cannot help you as much as I would like to. Affectionately. 7 July 1934 *
My dear child, this is certainly a most unexpected way of interpreting this vision. I hadn't given it that meaning at all. The images in these visions are always symbolic and should be taken as such. The rocks represent the material nature, hard and inflexible yet concealing in itself the stream of life. Because of the resistance of matter, this stream of life is freed only with difficulty and can hardly emerge into the light. But with a little concentration and insistence, the resistance of matter lessens and the life-forces are freed. This image applies to almost everyone, but in this case it concerned you because you were present, and I took it as a promise that your difficulties would give w With my love. 11 July 1934 * Mother, Ten yards of cloth cost 25 rupees, 15 annas – that is, Page – 94 2 rupees, 9 1/2 annas per yard. This evening X and I dyed the big ten-yard piece. But it was not successful: the dyeing is irregular: some places are dark and some are pale. You will see it tomorrow morning.
My dear child, I didn't reply at once because I wanted to see the cloth first. There are irregularities, of course, but it seems to me that they can be put right. I don't think it would be good to dye it again. It would become too dark. But we can take the irregularities as movements of water and underline them with a fine gold thread; then it will look as if it were done deliberately and it will be even lovelier. Next time I see you, I shall show you exactly what I mean. Don't worry, it will be quite all right. You may start your work right away. 6 September 1934 * Mother Now I don 't feel like doing the fishes. I shall do them in five years. I would rather start on the green sari with gold and silver dragons, for 21 February 1935 – if You ask some- one to do the drawing. Because the green cloth and the gold and silver thread are all ready. I am disappointed, I cannot do the fishes now.
You can ask X if he would like to draw the dragons for you. 7 September 1934 * You are my little child and you will always be my little child – that is a sure fact. But when little children prove to be unreasonable, it is very difficult to reason with them. Now if you want me to tell you Page – 95 what I think, it is this: Y has taken a lot of trouble and made a very beautiful drawing, a beautiful piece of cloth has been purchased at a cost of Rs. 30, you and Z have taken a great deal of trouble to dye it, and I tell you that I have found a way of utilising the irregularities of the dyeing to make a sari far more beautiful than we had thought, and yet without considering you write in a fit of bad temper: “I don't want to do this sari any more, I will do another one.” Naturally I thought that now I would have to ask X to go to the trouble of making another drawing, and if by chance another difficulty crops up, this little child may once again say: “I am disappointed, I don't want to do this sari,” and X will have worked for nothing. That is why I told you to ask him for the drawing yourself. He has just today sent me the design of the crown with fishes. It is very, very pretty. And if you want my opinion, I suggest that you first take up the crown\ will set you going on the sari itself; and you will see that everything will be all right, completely all right. I am sending you the design of the crown. With my love. 8 September 1934 * Mother, Last night when I went to bed at about 9:30, I felt a sort of fear, as if someone were there or someone might come. I shut my eyes and after a moment, in my sleep, I felt a sort of fear. I opened my eyes, looked at the sky, and then closed my eyes again. I saw something like a cloud coming slowly and I opened my eyes
My dear little smile, You must not be afraid. If you see something that frightens you or you have an unpleasant feeling, you must call me and the thing will disappear. When you are awake, surely you are not afraid of an approaching thunder-cloud; why should it frighten Page – 96 you at night? Put yourself in my arms without fear and be sure that nothing can harm you. My force and my protection are always with you. With my tender love. 18 June 1935 * My dear little smile, You are absolutely right, and I don't see why, instead of reading interesting things, you should start doing boring exercises. To learn a language one must read, read, read and talk as much as one can. With all my love. 10 July 1935 * My dear little smile, You have described your condition very well and since you are so conscious of it, I feel that soon you will be able to master it. It goes without saying that our help is always with you to bring you peace and silence, and it is absolutely certain that peace and silence will be established in you some day never to leave you again. Very affectionately. 8 August 1935 * My dear little smile, You are quite right. I much prefer a beautiful embroidered sari to a lace gown. It is not a question of number or of need. For years I was perfectly satisfied with two saris a year but I am proud of the beautiful things my dear children make for me and I wear them with affection and joy. Page – 97 My blessings and my love are always with you.
10 December 1935 * Mother, You told me that there is something closed in me which isn't open to You and this is why, even when I want to feel Your love in my heart (which You say is already there) I do not feel it. What is it that is closed? My heart? Or something else? I don't understand all this. I want my heart to open to You and to feel Your love there always. But if it is really closed, how can I open it? What must I do to open it? For I really do want it to open to You and I want to feel happy for ever.
My dear little smile, I know of only one way: to give oneself a complete consecration to the Divine. The more one gives oneself, the more one opens; the more one opens, the more one receives; and in the intimacy of this self-giving one can become conscious of the inner Presence and the joy it brings. Tender love from your mother. 25 July 1936 * Mother, I shall tell You frankly when I don't feel happy: it is when someone joyfully tells me about his beautiful and happy experiences that I feel so poor; I feel then that I do not yet have in me what I should have. And I always ask You for silence and peace (as I told You the other day) because I know that if one can always keep that silence and peace one never feels poor for any reason. Page – 98 I don't want to be, I don't want to feel so poor.
You have already had this experience of peace and silent joy; you know what it is and it is sure to come back stronger and steadier. Remain confident, do not torment yourself in this way you will hasten its coming. Tender love from your mother. 30 July 1936 * Mother, I find that I have lost everything. All that was good in me, all is lost. Previously I always felt that all I did was for You; in all the work I did, this feeling of “doing it for You” was always with me. Now I find that I have lost this feeling.
My dear little child, Are you aware of any cause for this change? Surely there is one. Besides, these days when the Ashram is full of visitors,¹ there is a great confusion which often brings a clouding of the consciousness. You must not let this upset you too much, but simply aspire with calm and perseverance for the light to reappear. My love is always with you to help you go through this bad moment. Affectionately. 30 August 1936 * Mother, Yes, I think I know the cause of this change. Isn't it the desire to be admired by people ego? Or is it something else? If You know, You will let me know. I must know what it is in order to get rid of it. ¹The period around August 15, Sri Aurobindo's birthday. Page – 99 Yes, my dear little child, you have indeed found the cause; and weren't you a little annoyed that I didn't wear your embroidered saris all these days? It is certainly not because I dislike wearing them quite the contrary. But they are rather heavy and warm and I prefer to keep them for wearing between November and January at that time there are many visitors because of the vacations and I shall then wear the embroidered saris with the greatest pleasure since the season is a bit cooler. It is true that you must get rid of these ignorant and petty movements; but at the same time, you may be sure that I appreciate and love your work immensely. I have great admiration for your embroidery, and for you, great love. Your mother. 31 August 1936 * My little “Eternal Smile” Must go on smiling, smiling still more when the difficulties come. Smiles are like rays of the sun, they dissolve the clouds And if you want the radical remedy it lies in this: frankness, be absolutely frank; tell me fully all that is going on in you, and soon the cure will come, a complete and happy cure. To my little smile very affectionately. 6 September 1936 * My chil Don't pretend to be silly when you are not. Not only was I not angry, but I had not the slightest intention of looking angry. I only looked straight into your soul, trying to reestablish the connection between it and your exterior consciousness. And I took your laughter for a sign of conversion! Beware of false pride\ leads only to ruin. And do not belittle the Divine's love, because without it nothing is worth living for. Page - 100 I know that you are too sensible and sensitive to ignore this truth. Always lovingly. 6 September 1936 * Bonne Fête! To [my little smile] whose precious help prevents my feet from being hurt by the stones on the way. With my love and blessings that her aspiration may be realised this year. 6 January 1963 * Page – 101 |